The Secret Life of Furniture by Hugo

 

CHARACTERS

TEL (TEL LEE) - the television

REM - the remote

SOPH FUR - the sofa

TRANS SISTER – Nerdy Vietnamese Female Inventor

STEW PID (TV BROADCASTER) - Voiceover

MUM – voiceover

DAD (KENNETH) – voiceover

KID 1 - voiceover

KID 2 – voice over

 

SETTING

A lounge Room in a family home

 

TEL, REM and SOPH FUR are scattered around the stage

 

SCENE ONE

 

TEL

Hey Soph, did you see the sports channel last night? Football was so close, basketball was tense, and gymnastics made me FLIP! What did you think?

 

SOPH

Uhh…

 

TEL

Oh, and did you catch that ad for “Harold’s Hot Dogs?” ‘Duh duh duh! Harold’s hot dogs… we’re on a ROLL!’ Whup! Ha ha!

 

Pause

 

SOPH

 I don’t get it?

 

TEL

(To the audience) She NEVER gets my jokes. NO wonder she was on sale when the people bought her… but then again, what did we really expect from a flat-pack sofa? Those people sure can be clueless sometimes, like when they bought that lamp, what an idiot!

 

REM

Right you lot, let’s get moving! The people are gonna be down here soon and they want to see WACKY WEATHER! TEL!

 

TEL displays static

 

REM

OH CUT THAT OUT!

 

 

TEL

Eat static, Rotten Rem!

 

REM

Don’t call me Rotten Rem! My name is Rem - look out! The people are coming!

 

REM appears to be grabbed. Then Channel changing noises can be heard. Finally REM seems to be tossed on to SOPH.

 

STEW PID

(Broadcaster voice over) This is Stew Pid, and this morning on Weird World News, the world’s only reliable news, we bring you a sensational story- SURVIVORS FOUND ON BOARD THE TITANIC!

 

MUM VOICE

Wow! Listen to that, kids!

 

KID 1 & KID 2

Wait till we tell our history teacher!

 

TV is broadcasting Weekly World News now. Scene of ‘Titanic Survivors Found On Board!’ is on. TEL is horrified when the family believe it.

 

TEL

PLEASE! YOU NEED TO STOP WATCHING THIS! IT’S MELTING YOUR MINDS!

 

MUM VOICE

Kenneth! Did you say something? Oh now I can’t hear anything but static!

 

REM

He he! Well, it’s a bit late to “change” things now! Bwa ha ha!

 

Clock or hourglass to indicate time is passing. Tick tock sound.

 

DAD

No. We’d better throw out this TV anyway-it’s obviously faulty!

 

KID 1

Yeah, we’ll get that mind games-sorry “Headtrix TV”. 

 

KID 2

Yeah, Cornelius ginko, my worst enemy has a 25 inch TV. We’ll get that 90 inch Headtrix one for only $150!

 

MUM

We’ll go to “Headtrix Are Us” first thing in the morning.

 

KID1

Oh it’s Monday tomorrow!

 

DAD

Oh, who cares about school! There’s a new TV at stake here- we’ve gotta get that new one before that Ginko enemy of yours does!

 

KID 2

YEAH!

 

ALL (Voiceovers)

(Snapping fingers & singing) Headtrix jingle.

 

SCENE TWO

 

TEL and REM appear to be thrown across the stage and land near TRANS SISTER.

 

REM

Where am I? THE BACK ALLEYWAY?! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT TEL!

 

TEL

How is it MY fault?

 

REM

I don’t know, but nothing is my fault. And why am I right next to the bins? I cannot work under these conditions!

 

TEL

Be quiet, Rotten Rem. Your great puddin’ of an on button should stay put for once!

 

REM

Why you – look out! There’s someone already here!

 

TRANS SISTER

Wow, what have we here?

 

TEL

(whispers) Is this is the part where we blow up!?

 

TRANS SISTER

Ha ha! Not today!

 

TEL

Wait, you can understand us? I’m Tel.

 

TRANS SISTER

Yep! I have a brother Trans and I’m Trans Sister. Now, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to do some experiments…

 

REM

Stop! I forbid you!

 

TEL

Shhh…Rem…maybe we can get some help…?

 

TRANS SISTER

Shut it, Rem you control-freak! Now, Tel, what would you like most in the world?

 

TEL

My own voice, please! One that all can hear!

 

TRANS SISTER

Very well. Then I’ll give you the power of speech. To do that, I’ll need the assistance of Rem here.

 

 

REM

Wh-what are you doing? Unhand me at once, human!

 

TRANS SISTER

Mimblewimble!

 

There’s a flash. Rem disappears. Beat. Then from behind TRANS SISTER emerges ANNE TENOR

 

TRANS SISTER

Tel, I’d like to introduce you! Whenever you wish to say something, you need only to say it through your antenna, the aptly named Anne Tenor and it will be repeated by the stereo that I built from Rem’s parts!

 

ANNE TENOR

Delighted to make your acquaintance!

 

ANNE TENOR bows

TEL

Grand! Hi Anne, I’m Tel Lee Vision, but you can call me Tel.

 

TRANS SISTER

And, Anne Tenor will be amplified by the stereo - which I’ve also acquired for you-

 

STARE-EE-OH steps out from the other side of TRANS SISTER.

 

TEL

Thank you so much! Welcome…wait what should I call this stereo?

 

TRANS SISTER

Hmm, well he kind of looks like he’s looking at us…?

 

TEL

Oh, I know!

 

ALL (The characters)

Stare-ee-oh!

 

Everyone laughs.

THE END

 

Photo credit Flickr by Chris